No, I don't have any tickets

I was hoping, foolishly it turns out, to make today's column a Spice-free zone.

But the pop juggernaut that is the Spice Girls just keeps rolling along and the four girls arn't even here yet.

They play in Montreal tonight before arriving in town for their sold-out show at the Molson Amphitheatre tomorrow -- which begins at 8 p.m. with doors opening at 6 -- and their Intimate & Interactive special at MuchMusic on Sunday, from 4 p.m. to 5:30 p.m.

After weeks of phone calls from strangers, acquaintances, friends and colleagues wanting Spice Girls tickets, I thought maybe -- just maybe -- the assumption that I am a ticket broker and not a pop music critic might have gone away.

Incidentally, The Sun's "I have no shame" columnist Heather Bird wrote an entire story devoted to her search for six Spice Girls tickets and wound up finally getting them two weeks ago (at face value with a slight service charge), but is sworn to secrecy about their source.

"The hand-off was made at the Needfire party," she told me yesterday. "I had to go home because, technically, I had tickets worth $5,000 on the black market in my purse and I was terrified that I was going to get mugged."

"We are talking about Spice Girls tickets aren't we?" I interject at this point.

It seems the interest in those four pop tarts who preach "girl power" in their tight-fitting outfits and platform shoes isn't going to go away.

Especially since the I & I was announced this week, people now want to know how they can get their kids into the MuchMusic studio, which only holds about 200 people -- tops.

As it turns out, MuchMusic is giving away only 25 pairs of tickets to contest winners, with the remaining space to be filled by the Spice Girls, their band, employees, the media and whoever else needs to be there.

I'm not a parent, but has anybody thought of just saying to the little Spice fans: 'I'm sorry, honey, but I just can't swing it. How about we just watch them together on TV?' "

MuchMusic has got the right idea, distributing an official "stay at home with the Spice Girls' party guide" yesterday with suggestions under such categories as "decorate, food, friends, fashion, music, trivia."

(My favorite piece of information comes under food, where it's disclosed that Baby Spice loves doughnuts, creme brulee and candy. She'll soon be Puffy Spice if she's not careful.)

Not surprisingly, MuchMusic has itself been besieged with calls for access into the event.

The best bribe yet has come from within the building where an employee's husband, who owns Cumbrae's butcher shop on Church street, has offered "free steaks for life" to the person who can get their child inside.

Meanwhile, over at the Molson Amphitheatre, they actually compiled a Top 10 list for me yesterday when I asked about what people were saying to try to get tickets to the concert.

I don't have room for them all but my favorite was: 3). Their daughter would leave home.

Let me end this by saying that I'm personally looking forward to seeing the Spice Girls in action.

After all the stories I've read and written about their music, lives, fashion and philosophy over the last year and a half, my curiosity about their live show has never been higher.

The difference between me and all the other similarly minded people out there is that I actually do this for a living.