Wednesday, February 27, 2002
Buffy Review: Riley returns
By STEPHANIE McGRATH -- AllPop
Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Season 6, Episode 14
WARNING: SPOILERS
I know, I know, Riley isn't a huge favourite among "Buffy" fans, so I and probably many others were somewhat dreading this week's episode. But, happy day, some good things happened.
Willow was funny ... real high-school era vintage humour, my friends. Love it. Dawn kept the whines to a minimum (although one sulking close-up gave me hives), and Buffy actually did something about her less-than-ideal situation.
What about Riley, you may ask? Well, he was kind of lame as usual, and his new wife is annnnnnnnnoying. If I met someone that together in real life, I would haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate them.
 Buffy |
We open to find Buffy working at the delightful Double Meat Palace (there has got to be some other job in Sunnydale she qualifies for. Come on, isn't there an apprenticeship program?). She's wearing the super-lame outfit while some weirdo is telling her about the power structure at the D.M. versus the other burger joints. Oh, this dude is so crazy irritating I wish he was a vampire so Buffy could slay him. Annoying boy tells Buffy he's working on his MBA, and she looks momentarily depressed but explains that she's re-applying to university.
So Buffy meanders home after work, clutching a bag of burger and singing the Double Meat Palace jingle when she's attacked by a vampire. The vampire takes one whiff of her deep-fried smell, though, and decides he isn't hungry after all. Buffy is understandably insulted and stakes him.
Opening credits.
Spike is waiting for his favourite slayer when she gets home. He's interested in some hanky panky, but Buffy says no, Dawn is waiting for her and she doesn't want to let her down. Then Buffy caves and hanky panky occurs outside. (I know I said I enjoyed their chemistry in the beginning, but like so many other shows, as soon as the characters actually get together it becomes boring, boring, boring. I want something to be resolved between these two -- maybe it will be tonight -- dum da dum dum.)
Inside, Buffy hands Dawn the squished burger and (SHOCKER) Dawn thanks her and says she appreciates it. (Hello ... hell? It must be chilly down there today. Any flying pigs about?) Dawn then tries to talk to Buffy about the shoplifting issue (she's been caught stealing things, remember?), but Buffy doesn't really want to talk about it and is trying to be all light and sunny.
Willow joins the sisters and asks if Buffy had a rough night due to the grass stains on her jacket. This makes Buffy a bit flustered.
Dawn and Willow are planning a big night out at the Bronze, but Buffy isn't up to socializing and stays home.
At the Bronze, Anya and Xander are discussing the seating arrangement for their upcoming nuptials. It's semi-funny, but I wish they'd just get to the wedding already. These meagre efforts to involve the odd couple in the episodes are getting tired.
Willow-is-funny moment: Willow and Dawn are observing the bickering couple, and Willow says when she was little she used to fantasize about planning her wedding to Xander, and "Now I look at them and I say 'hee hee hee'." Ooooh, it looks so sad when typed, but really, it was hilarious. You'll have to trust me on it. Imagine the "band camp" voice with a little extra Willow sarcasm thrown in and you've got it.
Dawn notes that Willow is extra cheery and wonders if it has anything to do with the fact that she and Tara are on speaking terms again. Guess what? It does. Quelle surprise. Sorry, Willow dearest, the rumour is that someone dies during the season finale, and my money is on Tara so prepare to lose the cheery.
The next morning, Buffy wakes up on the couch, still wearing her clothes from the night before (which are oh-so 'Flashdance', by the way. Off-the-shoulder sweatshirt, anyone?). The writers let us know that Buffy doesn't have it all together by showing how she sleeps in her clothes, forgets it's garbage day, and is confused about why Dawn is up and ready to leave (school day). To top off the bad morning, Buffy checks the mail and discovers that her university application has been rejected. Gee, Buffy, sucks to be you.
At the Double Meat, annoying boy is asking her if she's heard from university yet. Smooth. He says he'll take a turn on the grease trap and sends Buffy to cash to serve delightful fast-food restaurant customers. SURPRISE. Riley is waiting for her at the cash.
So it's stutter, stutter, awkwardness on Buffy's part, while Riley just stands there like the wooden lump of emotionless character that he is. (And he's also wearing this stupid outfit that's supposed to be all special-ops but really looks like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume dyed black.)
 The Scoobies |
Riley has no time for pleasantries and explains that he needs Buffy's help ... stat.
"My hat has a cow on it," is all Buffy can manage to come up with.
Riley asks her if she can help, so she ditches the burger place and jets with her ex.
It turns out that Riley is in Sunnydale tracking a particularly nasty demon who just happens to pop up in front of them. (HEY WRITERS: Did you not hear me when I said to stop using lame special effects? This demon looks like a Sesame Street reject covered in vomit. Man.)
The demon knocks Riley and Buffy down and takes off, so the two chase after him in Riley's fancy-pants jeep. While they're out demon hunting, Riley says he's got something to tell Buffy.
"Is it bad?," she asks.
"No," he answers.
"I'm going to win," Buffy says smugly, which is hilarious because she died, remember?! How the heck is he going to top that! That's why I love the show, for the little moments that are hilarious. Ha. Still laughing.
Riley gives Buffy some fancy fighter duds to put on because her D.M. uniform makes her stand out like a "pylon".
"And Buffy? Love the hair," Riley says. OMG that was funny too. I can't believe Riley said something cool. See, looking cute is almost as important as the big emotional melodrama and supernatural story-lines on this show because it may be on UPN but it's still The WB at heart.
We momentarily flash over to Xander and Anya, who are stuck in traffic on their way to the airport to pick up relatives attending their wedding. Ha ha, demons and people at the same wedding! Whatever shall we do? Will wacky high jinks ensue? Get back to me when there's a new development.
Meanwhile, Riley and Buffy have followed the demon to the huge dam. (Dam? I didn't know Sunnydale had a dam, or did I? I guess I probably did, but still, weird.)
Buffy is all flirty-girty with Riley, which makes me gag, and then he pulls out his fancy-pants gadgets and they scale down the dam together on this little wire. (Tell me why I can accept vampires and demons and spells that bring slayers back from the dead but I just don't buy the block of wood and his never-ending supply of high-tech Bond gear.)
When they finally make it to the ground, up pops another girl wearing the Ninja Turtle suit who says: "What are you doing with my husband," da-dum-dum.
Buffy is shocked to discover that Riley is married to Sam, who is also in the special army squad that battles demons.
Speaking of demons, the stupid-looking one comes back and Buffy kills it. Unfortunately, Sam and Riley didn't want it dead because it apparently laid eggs in Sunnydale and they were hoping to track it back to its nest and destroy them. Blah, blah.
Riley asks if Buffy has a "safe house".
"I have a house and I think it's safe. Sometimes you can't leave," Buffy quips. Again, so funny, due to the last episode when Buffy and friends were stuck in her home because of a crazy spell caused by Dawn's whining. Ha.
Back at Buffy's house, the gang greets Riley & Sam pleasantly enough except for -- you guessed it -- Dawn, who gives him the old, icy stare down. Now, it took me a while to figure out why she was being a complete ***** to Riley. Then I remembered how she told her guidance counsellor/vengeance demon during the last episode that she was sick of people leaving her, and Riley did leave pretty abruptly. I guess I can see how she'd be a bit peeved at him, but really, he was dating Buffy, not Dawn.
Xander is immediately enamoured with Sam when she starts giving him suggestions about how to make his wedding run smoothly and ... here comes hilarious Willow moment #2 ... Willow makes a cranky face at her that involves scrunching up her features and sticking out her tongue, and it's hilarious. (She's being loyal to Buffy by automatically not liking Sam, the new woman in Buffy's ex's life, you see. Typical "best friend relating to best friend's ex boyfriend's new wife/girlfriend" behaviour.)
Riley says he's afraid some dude named The Doctor is going to sell the eggs on the black market, so Sam asks if Willow could do a spell to locate them. Willow gets huffy, mumbles something about her addiction, and runs to the other room.
Sam follows her and apologizes and tells Willow that she knew some addicted witches who lost themselves to magic and that she's "never met anyone with enough strength to quit before," which makes Willow like her and makes me gag for the next 20 minutes.
Sam and Buffy have now paired up and are searching the cemetery for eggs or clues about where to find the eggs. Sam goes on and on about how excited she is to work with a real slayer and how Buffy's like Santa Claus or something (really, more like the tooth fairy, SMG is tiny) and yada yada, how she met Riley and fell in love and I want to throw up.
Buffy suggests they split up and, of course, makes her way to Spike's place. At first she pretends like she wants information about the eggs, but after some "tell me you love me" and "tell me you want me" on her part, he does and they do.
Buffy and Spike are napping when BANG, Spike's door blows open and, of course, Riley finds them in bed together. Riley calls Spike "Doctor", which lets us know Spike has the eggs, you see. But then Riley can't just let an effective line die and has to blah blah blah "DOCTOR" blah blah blabh "Doctor" for a while. WE GET IT, OKAY! SPIKE IS THE DOCTOR. HE HAS THE EGGS. PLEASE STOP TALKING NOW, BLOCK OF WOOD.
Spike tries to act all dumb, but Buffy, who got dressed in a super hurry, punches him and agrees to search his place with Riley.
They immediately find the eggs, which of course start to hatch. Fighting ensues. They blow up Spike's pad, demons are dead.
Then we flash over to Anya and Xander, who appear to be hiding out as his relatives and possibly some of Anya's demon friends are heard arguing in the other room. Blah blah blah, happy to be married to you ... yada yada ... so in love. Again, get back to me when something happens.
Riley and Buffy leave Spike's abode. He tells her he has authorization to "take the doctor out" (i.e. kill Spike) but won't if Buffy doesn't want him to.
Buffy -- who has so far been caught by her ex-boyfriend wearing a bad fast food uniform and sleeping with a super old undead guy who used to plot to kill her -- says she's pathetic.
Riley goes on about how she's still the first woman he ever loved and how the burger smell and the Spike stuff doesn't touch who she really is and that she's in a bad place but she'll figure it out and blah blah "You are a hell of a women," WHAT, gross, that is the worst line ever.
Sam and Willow and Dawn join Buffy and Riley. Dawn is sulking because Riley has to leave.
"You going to say goodbye this time?," she snaps as the entire, collective television viewing audiences releases a groan of disgust. They hug. Then Riley and Sam use the little wire gadget to attach themselves to their helicopter and are lifted off the ground. No comment.
Willow, who had previously been making "so nice to have met you, take care" noises to Sam, sees the forlorn-looking Buffy standing there, looks up at same being lifted off into the helicopter, and says "bitch" and it is so funny. Really, it really was.
The next day (or what we will presume is the next day), Buffy shows up at Spike's bombed-out home wearing a fantastic purple shirt that I will covet until the next time she wears something cool at which point the purple shirt will be replaced by the next item of clothing.
Buffy tells Spike their little dalliance is over. She says she's using him, she can't love him and that she's being weak and selfish and that it's killing her.
"I'm sorry, William," she says, using Spike's real name.
Close-up of Spike, he looks so sad. I feel very badly for him, and I suspect mean, old nasty Spike might be making a comeback very soon.
Buffy exits Spike's lair, and a close-up of the young slayer reveals the fact that she looks exactly the same as she did during the first season (but skinnier), short, super blond hair (I was the one who told SMG to go lighter, remember?), fun clothes, and a brave little smile. Hmmm, perhaps Buffy is being reborn. Old Buffy is coming back. YAY! Good things are on the horizon. Love it.
The End.
Overall: Happy to see that things are finally progressing, but I have no idea how they're going to end this season. I'm sad for Spike, but that romance had to end it was getting too Ross & Rachel for me. Dawn was much less annoying, so points for that, and both Willow and Buffy had super funny lines, so extra points for that although I will be taking points off for Riley's cheesy lines at the end and for the Anya and Xander banter, which is currently serving absolutely no purpose. Three stakes out of five.
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