Effective communication is a challenge at the best of times. Add gender to the mix and you've made it more complicated. Place those men and women under the same workplace umbrella and you've got a cocktail that at times, can be a little hard to swallow.

The meaning that a woman attaches to a word can be different than the male interpretation and vice versa. Think of them as "gender-homonyms" -- words that sound the same, but mean something different to each sex. And what's so difficult about our language differences is that they're so subtle.

John Gray, author of the best selling book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, has some advice for anyone working with the opposite sex in his latest book, Mars and Venus in the Workplace.

"Without a positive understanding of our differences, many possibilities for co-operation and mutual trust and respect are overlooked and go untapped," Gray says. "Too often, men do not realize the value that women bring to the workplace, while women mistrust the support that is possible to receive from men."

For example, a woman may go to her male colleague to share a problem. The man interprets the word "share" as "wants advice," so immediately he tells her what to do. This frustrates her because she thinks that he's not listening.

Women just want the other person to listen and be a sounding board. "Sharing for women is a way to lower their stress levels. Women are natural collaborators and talk about the problem to build consensus," Gray says.

"When men hear the word 'problem' their stress levels go up, and to bring it back down they need to speak about solutions. Men need to learn to listen more," Gray says. "Men, instead of giving solutions, try asking her a question, such as 'What do you think we ought to do about it?'"

And it can be especially challenging for women. Although women make up almost half of the workforce, men still dominate the hierarchy.

"It may seem to a woman that she's not getting the respect from the men that she deserves and that's because she's not. And, although she can produce the same results as a man, she doesn't get the same recognition. The reason for it is not always a sexist unfairness or injustice, but just a lack of understanding of the rules men play by," he says.

Ways in which Gray says men and women misunderstand each other include:

Men primarily use language to state the facts, whereas women also use language to give and receive empathy. When a woman says, "What a hectic day" don't say "We're not that busy." Instead, give a little empathy and say, " I know, one problem after another."

When women share feelings, men mistakenly assume they are complaining. When men grumble in response to a change, or request, women mistakenly assume they are resentful, or unwilling to be supportive.

When faced with a problem, men first attempt to solve it on their own while women tend to talk and collaborate with others.

By not taking the time to listen, a man mistakenly gives the impression that he doesn't really care and unknowingly sabotages his success in working with women.

One gender's communication style isn't necessarily better than the other -- just different. But finding a common approach to working within these differences is crucial. The first step is understanding and accepting those differences.

(Ellen Goldhar is manager, people development at Sun Media Corporation, Canada's second largest newspaper publishing company. Send questions and comments to ellen.goldhar@tor.sunpub.com.)

More columns by Ellen Goldhar



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