LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG KILBORN

In a couple of weeks, 60 Minutes will end its Clinton/Dole debates. Here are the results so far: Leslie Stahl is pregnant.

After becoming the first commander-in-chief to arrive on an aircraft carrier in a jet, President Bush gave a speech declaring victory In Iraq. Landing on an aircraft carrier is the trickiest manoeuvre there is, next to diverting America's attention from a crappy economy. In addition to the war in Iraq, Bush also declared the phrase "What up, dawg?" to be officially over.

OPEN MIKE WITH MIKE BULLARD

Here's the latest SARS update. There's new evidence the virus can live for days in human waste and on plastic. So avoid Arby's.

Some bad economic news: Air Canada employees are being asked to give up a billion dollars in salaries and benefits. Union officials responded with a finger locked in the upright position.

The Matrix sequel has been given a restricted rating in the U.S. You know what that means: Michael Jackson can't bring a date.

LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN

Yesterday was Saddam Hussein's birthday. Pentagon officials think he's still alive after witnesses saw a clown and a stripper go into a bunker.

In a new interview, Secretary of State Colin Powell repeated that the U.S. has no plans to attack Syria and Iran. After hearing this, Donald Rumsfeld said, "Oh yeah, like he'd know."

The Chinese government launched China's first 24-hour news channel. Since the channel will only report stories that are favourable to the ruling party, they've decided to call it Fox News.

LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN

Burger King has opened up in Baghdad and the prostitutes are back on the streets after 25 years. Fast food and hookers -- they're truly living the American dream.

A lot of folks are working there: The eight of clubs, the jack of diamonds, the king of spades.

The hookers in Baghdad are offering their Shiite special. For an extra 20 bucks, they'll incite your uprising.

TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO

The University of California-Berkeley is not going to allow students from China or any other Asian country affected by the SARS virus to enrol for the summer session. See, this is wrong. If we start banning Asian students from our schools, who are the American kids gonna cheat off?

The Wall Street Journal says one of the best businesses you can be in right now is survival supply stores. And the worst is kissing booth at the Beijing carnival.