If your daughter's show-and-tell style makes you hot under the collar, cool off. Experts say parents are going to have to accept a certain amount of midriff showing -- or risk daily warfare.

"Parents need to pick their battles," says Dr. Marion Goertz, a Toronto therapist. "Don't allow every discussion to disintegrate into a battle. Be the adult, remain calm, respectful and yet firm around things that really matter. Experimentation with drugs or sex matter and are worth your best, most passionate dialogues -- the colour or cut of your child's hair isn't."

New York adolescent specialist Dr. Andrea Marks, says there are certainly times when parents should feel free to express opinions about their children's clothes, but with care.

"Kids do hear what you have to say -- even if they don't respond in words, or even shout back and slam the door. If parents express concern in a caring and calm and constructive way, teens do hear you," says Marks,

The relationship must come before the rules, Goertz says.

It's normal for young people to challenge the status quo and seek distinctive ways to express themselves, says Goertz.

"A parent who encourages an adolescent's journey to self-discovery, which is good and right and real and true, will go a long way to supporting a child's decision to act and dress in ways that honour themselves."

An important message that needs to start early is: "You are you and you can't be me. We will disagree and that's okay . . . it will help us both grow."

Goertz advises asking their advice:

"How can I support your need to be you and yet challenge your choices which might jeopardize how you want others to see you? What would you say to a daughter your age? What does this style of dress mean to you? How does it present you in a way that you want? What works? What doesn't?"

Be curious, not critical, she stresses. Keep the communication channels open -- provide opportunities for open-minded dialogue.

The voices of peers far outweigh that of parents at this age, say the experts.

"It never works to try to embarrass or shame your child. A wedge is driven that makes discussion about more important issues, like drugs and crisis pregnancy, impossible," Goertz says. "Precious trust will be lost and will take a long time to regain."