August 2, 1996
IN MY GAMES ... Ya gotta be mean to make Olympics lean
By STEVE
SIMMONS
Toronto Sun
ATLANTA -- There is nothing wrong with the Olympic Games that a good cosmetic surgeon couldn't fix.
A nip here. A tuck there. A little liposuction. A major facelift.
The truth is, the Games have become too big, too long, with too many sports and too many athletes.
You have heard about the X-Games? These are the Games of Excess.
The Olympics still are filled with moments of magic and grace and excellence, and there has been no shortage of them here. But too often they end up like the bus drivers of Atlanta - completely lost.
Somewhere in time, the Games lost both their charm and their fitness. That isn't about Atlanta and the mess these Olympics have been. This is about the sports themselves, many of which simply are not very Olympian.
Tonight, for example, Canada will win a medal in synchronized swimming, which, barring a lost noseplug, is what always happens. And I know we're all very excited about that.
This will be the seventh Canadian medal in the seven times synchro has been around as an Olympic sport.
GELATIN AND SMILES
The fact is, only three nations ever have won a synchronized medal, which tells you all you need to know about the sport. And never mind that they wear gelatin in their hair and are forced to smile. That's another matter entirely.
The solo event - and I always wondered, if you are on your own, who the heck are you in synchronization with? - already has been turfed from the Games, as has the duet.
Television hated both, but it loves the team events, ostensibly because it likes the look of eight shapely legs pointing out of the water.
In my Olympics, there would be no synchronized swimming, no gelatin, no forced smiles and probably fewer Canadian medals.
Another sport that needs to be chopped: modern pentathlon. Never has a discipline been so inappropriately named.
As was proved the other day in Georgia, there is absolutely nothing modern about the modern pentathlon. It is a pain in the butt.
One day. Five events. Three venues. Three bus rides. And that's just for the fans. It took an Olympian effort to do all the travelling just to make it to the events, let alone compete in them.
Say goodbye to modern pentathlon and hello to the triathlon. Word is, it will be a medal sport in Sydney at the 2000 Games. And it should be. It's modern. It's competitive. It's real. Even the TV people like it.
Triathlon is in. Equestrian and yachting are out.
In my Olympics, there would be no horses and no boats. Okay, there would be canoes and kayaks, but no sailboats.
There is nothing wrong with equestrian so long as it stays where it belongs: with Muffy down at the riding club, and out of my Olympics. But to award medals for team dressage, individual dressage, team jumping, individual jumping, three-day dressage, three-day endurance and individual jumping is, to say the least, extreme and slightly obscene.
It gets even worse in yachting. There is the Laser class, the Finn class, Soling, Europe, Star, Tornado, which to me sounds a lot like the characters on American Gladiators. And that's not all of the events. Finding anyone who understands yachting and all its classes is a lot like finding an Olympic volunteer here who has an answer to your question.
It's just not possible.
But not all is lost. There actually have been some decent additions to this Olympic Games, most notably women's softball. It has been the most competitive and most interesting team sport to watch at these Games, and it would be perfect except for that kids rule where they put a runner on second base in extra innings. Get rid of that rule and softball can stay.
Also successful in these Games: women's soccer. Clearly, there has been a movement to get more women's sports in the Games. This is good, so long as that doesn't mean the three-day dressage for synchronized swimmers.
Softball and soccer have worked. So has beach volleyball, which makes everyone laugh until you see it.
The calibre of play and the calibre of entertainment - and never mind the scene - will provide beach volleyball with an audience and at least another Olympic showing. It can stay for now.
In my Olympic Games, there would be no archery, no race walking (you're either racing or walking, you can't be doing both), no rhythmic gymnastics, no shooting and no table tennis.
There also would be no traffic.
