Me, as seen by the snorkel god. -- Photos courtesy of Penny Kollar

Snorkeling. What was I thinking?

My partner and I took a beautiful, breezy ride on a catamaran out to a sunken volcano that, over time, had become a haven for the kind tropical fish you only seen at pet stores... and they were waiting for us to discover them.

Take pictures. Feed the fish. "Gear and lunch provided." This is what one does when you go to Maui.

The ride was incredible. The catamaran rode the winds and waves sprayed salty water all over my already-tanned skin. I could see the volcano cliffs off in the distance.

My partner was cowering in the shaded part of the small deck, avoiding the sun. He did, after all, just spend six months in the frozen north with no sun. What a perfect vacation. "His heat rash will ease up and I'm sure he'll start having fun one of these days," I thought.

As we pulled into the snorkeling area, I noticed two other catamarans in the area, each with their own crew of eager tourists. We were each given our snorkeling gear and brief instruction on to use it. We all spat into our masks as we were assured that it's the best way to keep them from fogging up.

The six-packed, tanned snorkel god told us of all the wonders that we were about to see: angel fish, blue something-or-other (they looked like giant neon fish) and so on.

By this time, I couldn't hear anymore since I was trying to keep my stomach down and my breathing steady; what kind of moron takes a snorkeling vacation when they have a huge fear of open water and sharks? Oh yes, that would me me! Did I mention that the snorkel god told us at the end of his tutorial that there were a few sharks that frequent the area they were used to us?

I bet the pineapple plantation tour would have been nice.

My partner and I got suited up and away we went... or, at least, he went. I was still clutching the rail in a death grip at this point. This was the moment I'd been waiting for, the moment where I got eaten by sharks. That was why I was so scared on some level. I know this was where I was going to die.

Snorkel god strode up to me. "Everything okay?" he asked.
"Oh yes," I squeak.
"First time?" he inquire.
"Nope. I've snorkeled a lot at home in the pool."
"Ahhh. First time in the ocean."

He has gently walked me to the ladder by this point, and without fighting I start down to my certain death. "Thank you, God," I think, "for letting me come to Maui."

I let go and slipped into the water. I was waiting for the first bite, wondering if it would hurt much. Panic set in and I breathed in through my snorkel, but I was still upright and I sucked back a huge amount of salt water. I coughed it up and my throat was burning. I was feeding the fish my previously-eaten breakfast.

"Oh god something's got my arm!" The snorkel god had grabbed my arm and I was being hauled out of the water, choking and sputtering with tears running down my cheeks.

The fish.

"What happened?" he asked.
"Nothing. I just tried to breath salt water."

We sat down and I admitted to him my paralyzing fear of what I was attempting to do. He asks why I would even want to try if I was that afraid. I said I thought that this would make me forget about it and help me get over it.

"Hmmm," he said, "Maybe you're thinking to much." He handed me a small underwater camera and strapped it around my wrist, then gave me a slice of bread for the other hand. He said he'd go with me if I tried it again. I asked what the bread was for, and he said I was going to feed the fish.

So, we climbed back into the water together. Me and the snorkel god! When we got into the water, he pushed my face underwater and I could see everything. Although the bottom was 80 feet down, it looked like it was only ten. It was beautiful.

The bread was wet now and bits of it are flying off all around me. I clutched it harder, holding it to my stomach. There were fish everywhere scurrying towards me to catch the bits of bread. They pecked at my hand and stomach to get what was left. "Oh my god. What do I do?"

View from boat of the half-sunken volcano.

I winged the bread away from me and watched as it just scattered around me. The fish came closer to me. "Oh yes, I have a camera! Pictures!" As I swished to and fro in the water, I snapped away. For a moment, I forgot about my impending doom of becoming shark food.

Me relaxing under a tree the day before the outing.