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  May 20, 1999

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SLAM! Wrestling Editorial: Mat Wars: The Phenom Menace
By JOHN POWELL -- SLAM! Wrestling

STAR WARS Use the Funk, Luke! SLAM! Wrestling replaces actors with wrestlers in the Star Wars series.
 Jacked to the max after taking in the new Stars Wars flick (It kicks serious booty!), my imagination took flight. How could I combine my two true loves: movies (as Jam! Showbiz's film critic on CANOE) and pro wrestling? Like an Ion Cannon blast from the Millennium Falcon it hit me. What if SLAM! Wrestling secretly infiltrated LucasFilms' casting department? What if we handed out pink slips to those mostly fine actors, hired pro wrestlers in their places? A scary thought ain't it? Below are my choices if Star Wars became Mat Wars.

The Undertaker as Darth Vader

He's big. He's mean. He dresses in black. Mark Calloway has talked about the mythical "dark side" more than the Dark Lord Of Sith himself. Hit the bricks, David Prowse.

Vincent K. McMahon Jr. as The Emperor / Senator Palpatine

There is only one logical choice. Vinnie Mac makes the ever-scheming Emperor look like a schoolyard bully stealing his classmates' lunch money.

Viscera as Jabba The Hutt

Size certainly matters. My preferred pick would've been Yokozuna but who knows what kind of shape he's in these days.

Max Mini as R2D2

For obvious reasons.

Sabu as Darth Maul

The most homicidal, genocidal, suicidal, agile grappler ever to compete in the squared circle is up to the task of playing the acrobatic dark jedi apprentice.

"Stone Cold" Steve Austin as Captain Han Solo

An outlaw in his own right, the rough and tumble WWF World Heavyweight Champion has the attitude and sharp tongue to deliver those snappy one-liners.

Kevin Nash as Chewbacca

The giant of a WCW World Heavyweight Champion wouldn't even need a haircut to fill Peter Mayhew's monkey suit.

Paul Wight as Wampa the snow creature (Empire Strikes Back) or any other gigantic creature required

Why spend a ton of dough on those costly computer effects when Wight can fill in quite nicely? Kane growls pretty good so he could be Wight's understudy on those days he's having liposuction done.

X-Pac or Billy Kidman as Luke Skywalker

Decisions. Decisions. Decisions. Both are youthful, quick on their feet and have an likable quality about them. How do we choose? Slap together a quickie scaffold match. There's mucho light saber battles on metal platforms in the series.

A whole slew of midget wrestlers as Jawas and Ewoks

Nuff said.

Harley Race as Obi-Wan Ben Kenobi

He sure don't talk or look like screen great Alec Guinness. We'll give it to him anyways because he's a wise old coot. Use the steel folding chair, Luke!

Gorgeous George as Princess Leia Organa

She's spunky. She's attractive. She'd be drop dead gorgeous if she put her hair up in those quirky buns. AWF Champion Ms. B. Haven could also fit the bill.

The entire nWo Black and White as Storm Troopers, Tusken Raiders

They are used to being bit players having no discernible personality.

Scorpio as Baron Administrator Lando Calrissian

As Flash Funk, Scorpio wore the trench coat / cape well.

Dean Malenko as Boba Fett

Colder than a Canadian lake in December, Malenko's in-ring demeanor would be an impeccable match for the ruthless, unemotional bounty hunter.

Terry Funk as Qui-Gon Jinn

Terry Funk? Liam Neeson? They sorta look alike don't they? What the hell, I'd slip him in just so he could say to the Jedi Council...I'm training Anakin whether you like it or not, you bast--ds!

Sting as a young Obi-Wan Kenobi

Virtuous and noble, the two characters suit each other.

Ahmed Johnson as Jar Jar Binks

No voice training needed. Nobody understood what Johnson said either.

More Star Wars in Jam! Showbiz

Past editorials

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