Friday, August 14, 1998
SLAM! Wrestling Guest Column
Sable and the Oddities a good match
"My hobby is my passion. I work with retards."
-Matt Dillon in There's Something About Mary
Mix one obese slob, two oafish giants, one frightening female and one buxom blonde. What do you get? A great angle.
The boost to the Oddities angle by their association with Sable is obvious. Sable is one of the top three draws in the WWF, so she basically has the Midas touch with whoever she pairs up with. Now, instead of Luna and the slugs being a ratings killing time filler for Raw, the crowd pops for Kurrgan doing the cabbage patch in a Hawaiian shirt so tacky that you wouldn't even wear it to a luau, no matter how drunk you were.
That synopsis, however, only scratches the surface of why this angle is pure genious.
Sable and Marc Mero's reputation as great people outside the ring is beyond reproach. They have always been eager to interact with fans or sign autographs, even when simply walking through a mall. That having been said, Sable is also an unabridged master at wrestling's real game -- the game of perception.
Whether it was Sable or the WWF bookers who came up with her trasnformation over the last year and a half, that blonde bombshell knows what perception is all about. As beautiful as Sable is, it's impossible that any female can turn into a top attraction in North America by simply standing as an idle valet at ringside.
The transformation started when Mero went down with a knee injury in early 1997. Sable was able to be seen on her own, and her popularity rose concurrently. What really put her over the top, of course, was her split from Marc. A liberated female certainly appeals to every young male's subconscious fantasy about being dominated by a woman, and Sable struck this chord flawlessly.
Of course, none of this would have been possible without the willingness to inflate her breasts to ungodly sizes. Despite any holier-than-thou comments about it looking freakish or unnatural, wrestling fans have a proven affinity for mammoth melons, and Sable simply cashed in.
The truth is that Sable is a devout Christian, and very religious. The possiblity of her ever leaving Marc or being promiscuous are miniscule. However, by adding those two important touches to her character, she gave hope to every male in attendance that they might spot a beer goggled Sable at a bar one evening and have a night to remember.
Now, with her popularity through the roof, she has really played a trump card on the psyche of the early twenties set who live with their parents. She reduced her breasts, so she wouldn't have any permanent back damage, and she banded with a motley crew that even the most freakish wrestling fan would look down upon. Hope is now out there for everyone who only watches Mystery Science Theater 3000 or Star Trek outisde of wrestling from their mom's basement. Of course, most losers know that wrestling is fake and that they would have no realistic chance with Sable, but the visual of an obese monster like Golga (aka John Tenta) waddling to the ring with a beauty like Sable is a powerful image.
Sable, like most gorgeous women, would never end up with an average man. The truth is that Marc Mero has an Adonis-esque body, and she probably wouldn't have it any other way. Nobody doubts that they are truly in love through their personalities and common beliefs, but physical attraction surely played a large part. Now, it's time to cash in on the rest of us.
Ben Miller is from Los Angeles and can be emailed at email@example.com