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Monday, July 12, 1999

SLAM! Wrestling Guest Column

Vote for Jerry...please!

By KAT CELATA -- For SLAM! Wrestling

So Jerry Lawler is running for mayor.

Hallelujah is all I can say. If I could run down to Memphis and cast my vote, I'd be on my way as we speak.

Anything that gets that man out from behind a microphone and off national TV is a godsend in my eyes. Though I hate the thought of what it will do to the Memphis political structure. Well, Tennessee is known as the Volunteer State, maybe some good ol' boy will volunteer to wipe the mat with good ol' Jerry.

I cringe every time I hear his voice.

If I wanted a collection of infantile, bigoted nonsense passing for commentary, I'd have a long walk before I could find someone to surpass the "King"

Seriously, he turns my stomach.

Let's take a look back into our film archives....

How about all the years Jerry Lawler has slammed the Harts -- I'm not talking the acceptable run of the mouth that is color play by play...

Take a look at past films of the Slammy awards and WWF @ Stampede to hear "Mr." Lawler taking sickening cheap shots at Helen Hart's physical appearance, calling Stu a walking corpse, and even low blows at Bret Hart's young son Blade.

Then fast forward to the night of Owen Hart's death and immediately thereafter to hear good ole Jerry crying in his microphone about his dear friend Owen.

It sickened me, I can tell you that.

Or go back to Royal Rumble '98 to hear The King's nasty "little" comments about the "midget" wrestler contingent featured in that event -- it surpassed anything I could believe, and had I been his CEO his job would've been history that night. Quite a bit of what ol' Jerry had to say that night would've had any reputable sports commentator in court by noon the next day. If I'd been managing that team I would've been over the table and in his face for the cruelty and disrespect paid to those athletes that night.

I don't know how JR handles it, and lately it seems to me there is a substantial edge in his voice. It's been a long time since I've had to hear anything like King's endless drooling falsetto over Deborah's "puppies", seventh grade as a matter of fact.

He interrupts the play by play with tasteless, senseless balderdash. He needs to be told to sit down and just SHUT UP, or take his toys and go home if he can't play right.

With any great good luck the good people of Memphis will take this whining sack of adolescent hormones right to heart, and get him the heck out of our earshot.

After all, this is the town of Elvis. Chances are with his velvet and gold chains, and hairy paunch, he'll fit right in.

The King is dead, long live the king Lawler ... anywhere but here!!!!
Kat Celata is from Dedham, MA and can be reached by e-mail at
She has written for SLAM! Wrestling before, including:

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