Tuesday, September 28, 1999
SLAM! Wrestling Guest Column
Chyna deserves a clean pin
Okay, Okay, what is UP with this????
First of all, though Sunday's Unforgiven gave me a lot of good opportunities to stomp and shout, overall, it was pretty tedious. Unfortunately, that is getting to be such the norm with these pay-per-views that we're all sitting back and taking it. I'd rouse some rabble, but I'll save that for another day.
Am I the only fan out there that looks at their cable bill and considers taking out a second mortgage??? And for what? Can you honestly recite me one stellar move or startling match from three ppv's back? Well, that's my fault of course. I'm doing the sheep thing and just taking it.
However, Blackman and Val Venis were particularly fine. I have to sit back tonight though and think really hard if that is because it was a fine match, or just a particularly nice view of some VERY nice looking men... mmmm sometimes life is just gooood... a good sunset, a fine wine, Val Venis in them purple shorts... OOPS, sorry!!!!
But I'm steamed, yet again, at the way Chyna is being handled in these matches. Granted, she had an exceptionally good showcase Sunday to show just what a proficient wrestler she is. She did some moves that took my breath away. That deal where she had Jarrett on her shoulders and took him right back to the mat was purely great. I am very pleased that we have gotten to the point where a fine woman wrestler can actually use moves in the ring. There were many such tonight. I know the play-by-play columnists will be writing that up for you far better than I could. And again, for everyone gathered at my house to watch, it was a good "hoot and holler." Even Coconut, the parrot gets into it. She gets wicked evil these days if she can't sit on my shoulder and watch the show -- half her new vocabulary comes from the matches. Tonight she excelled -- she said "Jarrett is a poopy". She's a happy bird.
I'm not such a happy bird. What, did they finally fix the instant replay??? Months and months of double teaming, double dealing, dirty tricks and no one has ever thought to avail themselves of the instant replay. Except for this match. Did some techno dweeb finally learn how to work the buttons?
Ok, before I get all the "Dear Moron" mail -- yes, I KNOW it is a work. Would I be writing this dreck if I didn't know that?? But it still galls me. Why CAN'T Chyna have a clean win? With all the fine moves she utilizes in a match, why is it when the going gets tough, her script calls for her to fall back on the cheap shots, the crotch shots, and the no-strength shots? Just who feels threatened by Chyna winning a match straight forward, the way she was taught? And, incidentally, taught by one of the finest in the history of the business.
I suppose I should be grateful they've at least let her shed the ankle breaking shoes and the cleavage popping outfits in the ring. Whoever designed what she was wearing Sunday at Unforgiven, it's a tribute to the wonder of spandex -- maximum coverage for minimum material, and that girl didn't fall out of it once! I guess we are making strides, however slowly.
Maybe I'm asking for too much all at once, but the Federation has had, and given up a number of potentially good women wrestlers. I realize it is a hard transistion to get the fans to accept -- from T & A valet, to women legitimately kicking butt in the ring. I have to think the feedback to the marketing people has made a radical turn. I know from hard experience there is no other way things would have changed this quickly for women in our squared circle. When it comes right down to where the excrement hits the rotary cooling device, it really is the bean counters that call the shots...
And incidently -- am I the only one out there that REALLY WASN'T SURE that was Luna Vachon ? That wasn't her body build, sorry, but Angelique Vachon is a good, strong built French-Canadien lass -- the tatoos on her temples were inexplicably missing, we were never given a real look at her face (and what we saw certainly didn't match any makeup I've ever seen Luna wear!) and even bleached, Luna's hair never was that color... I'm a big Luna fan and would love to see her back. If we are doing some "Paul is Dead white album conspiracy" thing here (sorry, I'm dating myself), I am hoping it is because Angelique and Gangrel are taking time out for their own reasons, and being an incurable romantic, I hope it means another tiny Vachon on the scene, but I have no basis for that. Just hoping.
And just to finish this up, I was very glad to see my idol Head make an appearance -- it was the only good moment of that whole sorry mess. And, while you're sending your responses, please help settle the quarrel we're having on the home front here -- is Head a HE or a SHE? We await your cards and letters!!!!
Kat Celata is from Dedham, MA, and can be emailed at email@example.com.