December 29, 1999
Christmas gifts to the stars
Well, it's that time of year again. Kindness, good cheer, a double arm underhook DDT..everything most people would want this holiday season. And it might be Christmas eve, but here's a list of gifts for various pro wrestling superstars and personalities that they're expecting from me...er..Santa Claus:
Kevin Nash: a personality. Lousy worker, old shtick. Try getting in the ring and actually having a match without a microphone or Scott Hall.
Masato Tanaka: one of Norman Smiley's used hockey helmets. God knows you're going to need one if you take another 5000 chair shots in ECW.
Norman Smiley: a mean streak.
Vampiro: a fate better than Raven's in WCW.
Oklahoma: a ball and chain linking and locking him in his office and out of the ring.
Kimona: A pairing that makes more sense than having her with three 80 year old wrestlers. Russo, this one's on your head ! Take care of my girl !
David Flair: an entire toolbox.
D-Lo Brown: a title program when the Rock gets the belt.
Val Venis: a handbook called "You're A Heel This Week" and another book called "When They Turn You Face Again". Actually, Val, have this chair. You've gotta be dizzy by now. I am ! And because he's Canadian, a hint: stop with the Hoganesque knee lifts prior to the pinfall....we all know what's coming.
Shane McMahon: Rookie Of The Year trophy. Still can't believe that jump on Test.
Mae Young: a trip to the Hazelden Clinic.
Francine:dinner ! Someone feed this girl !
Mark Henry: corrective eye glasses. No offence Mark, but how sexual can chocolate be running after a 78 year old lush ?
Ivory: a segment called "The Ivory Tower", copying Piper's Pit and the Barber Shop. Your matches last eight seconds and aren't half as interesting as when you've got a mic in your hand.
The Rock: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS !
Vince McMahon: two thumbs up. Don't know how a 53 year old man can work like this.
Vince Russo: permission to fire about 25 wrestlers, starting with Lex Luger. Trim that fat and everything will taste better.
Kimberly Page: Slam Wrestling's phone number. I'd give her mine, but I'd faint.
Tori: the women's belt if she ever decides to wrestle.
The Blue Meanie: a shot. This guy has so much going for him....is anyone
Al Snow: the push to continue. Could 2000 be his year ?
Lodi and Lenny: pink wigs, a stage and dinner with RuPaul.
Scott Hudson: an Emmy award for best broadcaster for WCW Saturday night. It doesn't mean anything, a story line never develops and Hudson still keeps it interesting.
Jacqueline: a contract with Wonderbra as a spokesperson. Either that or a measuring tape to make sure she doesn't lose herself..
Jeff Jarrett: an endorsement contract with Gibson guitars. Someone has to do it.
Scott Hall: one clean year. I remember and everyone else does when he was on point.
Jim Ross: a set of new Stetons, now that Stephanie McMahon almost Martin Helmsley knocked yours off.
The Mean Street Posse: a good hairstylist. They look like they've been cutting their own hair.
Jerry The King Lawler: the book "Overkill: How I Hyped My Girlfriend To Death".
D-Generation-X: a death notice. There's gotta be something more believable than X-Pac as a heel.
Kane: an air conditioner.
The NWO: permission to allow a pinfall to occur. Please, let's not have too many sports entertainment finishes....OK ?????
Vincent Virgil Shane Curly Bill Jones: stability. Anyone who's been this many people needs help !
Bret Hitman Hart: to get out of the NWO as quickly as possible.
Al Snow: the return of Pepper. That'll REALLY send him over the edge.
Mick Foley: his own WWF interview show. And a lifetime supply of sockos courtesy of Nike. I'm surprised they haven't done that already.
The Hardy's, Edge and Christian: new opponents.
Billy Silverman (WCW Referee): life insurance. This poor guy gets bumped 900 times a show.
Mike Tenay: one match with Jarrett, with more foriegn objects in his trunks than outer space.
Ric Flair: anything better than the way he's being treated now.
Macho Man Randy Savage: a ticket back home to the WWF.
The Slam Wrestling Crew: many thanks for the great work.
Vincent Degiorgio is a Canadian who lives in New York, and can be reached by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org. He's written for SLAM! Wrestling before, including: