Friday, February 19, 1999
SLAM! Wrestling Guest Column
Did you ever notice...
... that wrestlers have this super human power to have their theme music play whenever they enter a room? I can just see Hogan's wife having an affair:
"Oh no, my husband's home."
"How can you tell?"
"I just heard his music downstairs."
... that Bad Ass Billy Gunn also had the ability to cause sound problems on TSN whenever his name was mentioned?
... that TSN and Canadian censors find it okay for Road Dog to pile drive Al Snow into a stack of wooden pallets, The Undertaker smash Vince MacMahon's leg with huge steel steps, or any number of wrestlers to be body slammed on the steel entrance ramp, but feel it's improper to show Sable getting hit with the belt by Luna during a match, or Shawn Michaels being pulled off a broken windshield?
... when uniformed police officers arrest a wrestler on TV (Goldberg, Austin, The Rock) they always take them away in an unmarked police car?
... experienced wrestlers who with years of experience still can't read the crowd properly? Like when the fans all get excited about someone making a run in. Or when they try to warn the wrestler to look behind him because his opponent's about to hit him while his back is turned?
... that referees, with ten times the ring experience as any wrestler, never seem to have any common sense? Like when a manager jumps up onto the apron it never occurs to them that the manager's just distracting him so the other wrestler can hit him with a foreign object.
... that it takes a ref ten minutes to lecture a manager or tag team partner on the rules against jumping into the ring while our hero gets double-teamed and bashed? And why he never looks behind him to keep his attention on the match he's supposed to keep control of?
... that WCW refs seem to have forgotten that it's an automatic disqualification when some else enters the ring during a match, like a manager, wrestler or nWo member?
... why a ref never suspects foul play when he turns around (after the obligatory ten-minute lapse of concentration on the match) and sees both wrestlers unconscious in the middle of the ring?
... how wrestlers barely have enough energy to crawl to the corner to tag in their partner, but when they do, they have enough energy to hop up, jump through the ropes and stand on the apron? (You think they'd just get up and walk to the corner.)
... that wrestlers can instantly forgive the most heinous acts committed against them by another wrestler just so they can team up and become best of friends, until they forget why they were friends and start feuding again, until they forget why they were feuding so they can become friends again, until they forget... ?
... that Hogan hasn't figured out that retiring from wrestling means that you actually stop wrestling?
... that The Brawl For All has destroyed more careers than it was supposed to promote? Whatever happened to Bart Gunn, Savio Vega, Steve "Dr Death" Williams, Marc Mero, Droz, and Bradshaw? The last three are still around. I think I've seen them somewhere.
... after all the hype, Steve "Dr Death" Williams lasted only one match in the WWF?
... that most wrestlers who have promos done for them rarely live up to the hype? Just look at Steven Regal, Steve "Dr Death" Wiliams, or Brachuss.
... that instead of ignoring a wrestler and forgetting his existence when they leave the company, now promoters publicly bash them for moving on?
... that the WWF is claiming Jesse Ventura as one of their own now that he's governor of Minnesota, but before they refused to even acknowledge his existence after he left the organization.
... that the cameramen always seem to be in the right place at the right time, no matter how bizarre the situation? They just knew the exact moment Goldberg was to be arrested. And they managed to find the kidnapped Denis Knight just as he was being thrown into a dark and torturous room. These guys should be working on 60 Minutes.
... that the WWF women's division only has 1 wrestler, and she's not even the best women's wrestler in the organization? Well Luna did wrestle on the last Raw, but it was against Duane Gill. And Chyna's entered in the Royal Rumble, but she's still yet to get in a single's or even tag team match. Are they in the women's division? And Jaquline is the former women's champ, but hasn't wrestled since loosing the belt.
... that there have been as many WWF Hardcore champions as there has been WWF Light Heavy Weight champions, despite the LHW title being around for twice as long?
... that the European title goes through long spells where it never has to be defended? I mean that title still exists, right?
... that Duane Gill is still the Light Heavy Weight champion??? Then again, can anyone name the number one contender? Any contender?
... that despite seeing Owen Hart and The Blue Blazer side by side numerous times, Jerry The King Lawler is the only announcer to believe they are not the same person? And that because Jeff Jarrett was seen with the Blue Blazer once, all the announcers have ruled him out as being the Blazer. Just do us all a favor and drop the angle, ok guys? Just let it fade from memory and get on with something else.
... that despite being over 6 feet tall, Scott Steiner is the shortest member of the new nWo?
... the longer Chyna works for the WWF, she wears less clothing and gets more plastic surgery done?
... that despite watching this stuff day in and day out, announcers are always surprised at the least little thing. (Oh my god!!!!! He's pulling out Mr. Socko!!!! What else can happen?) You'd think they'd get used to it by now.
... the same words TSN censors from Raw broadcasts are haphazardly thrown about on Off The Record, which comes on after Raw?
... that Norman Smiley really needs to put on some pants?
... that when a face turns into a heel he can no longer win a match cleanly, no matter how good a wrestler he is/was?
... that the WWF and WCW may be stealing ideas from each other? Nah, that would never happen...
Scott Moran is from Dartmouth, NS, and can be emailed at email@example.com.