SLAM! WRESTLING: And Nothing but the Truth

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SLAM! Wrestling

EDITOR'S NOTE: Eric Benner is SLAM! Wrestling's regular Friday columnist.

Friday, November 6, 1998

Finally, the Wrestlebrawl pay-per-read

Eric Benner
Special to SLAM! Sports

A weekly
SLAM! Wrestling
Editorial Column

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first ever Wrestlebrawl! Your host is Eric Benner. We are live from the previously-thought torn down Montreal Forum! Now, fans, I know that you get tired of watching commentators hyping the events they cover, but I can personally guarantee that this will be the pay-per-read in the history of my column!

You see, a special stipulation has been added to this event, as the people who read it were invited to book it and the results are, well, just enjoy the show!

D-Lo/Mark Henry v. Harlem Heat

billy hot chocolate, hailing from, covers this match:

The match begins with Henry and Stevie Ray showing off their respective power arsenals. This only lasts the first couple of minutes as eventually we get the two more talented guys, Booker T and D-Lo. The two work excellently together, mixing up solid mat work with the occasional high spots. D-Lo eventually ends up on the receiving end of some Harlem Heat double team maneuvers. Since Heat are more familiar with working together as a team, they soon begin to dominate the match. As D-Lo looks set for defeat, Booker T sets up for the Missle Dropkick, but Henry gives the ropes a subtle tug and sends Booker flying head-first to the mat. Stevie sees this and both Stevie and Mark come into the ring and brawl. As it spills to the outside, the ref is losing control, concentrating on the action outside the ring as D-Lo and Booker are lying in the ring. Seemingly, out of nowhere, a man in a spiffy suit comes to the ring to revive D-Lo. We get a better look of the man as he begins speaking to D-Lo and he is revealed to be Clarence Mason. As Booker T rises and looks confused at what's going on across the ring, another man runs in front of him before he can take action. As this man begins speaking to Booker, we get a closer look at him and it is revealed to be Bobbie Walker. Before long, the partners have returned to the ring and there are two sets of three men in opposite corners. The ref considers a disqualification, but then just shouts at the wrestlers to continue to the match. They all ignore him and proceed to all come toward the center of the ring, high five, and chest bump each other. Then, all six simply leave the ring together and head toward the locker room. The ref makes the double countout as the crowd boos all six men on their way to the back.

HHH v. Chris Jericho (hair versus hair)

The Fleck Family, hailing from, covers this match:

After Hunter is through with his usual schtick, Jericho comes down talking about how D-X is a bunch of potty-mouths and that kids should idolize him because he "is the paragon of virtue." Seemingly having heard enough, Chyna hits a huge clothesline on Jericho thus starting the match. HHH goes for a big knee drop with Jericho on the ground and hits it but gets up limping. He whips his man into the ropes and hits a back body drop and moves in immediately to a surfboard manouever. Chris breaks the hold, bounces off the ropes and gets Hunter to the ground via a drop toe hold. He then picks HHH up and hits a suplex followed by a series of elbows to the knee. Hunter manages to land a kick to the face and gets up to nail a knee lift to the stomach. With Chris stunned, Hunter hits an axe kick to the back of the head to ground Jericho. Confidently he gets Jericho up for the Pedigree but insted is rolled up for a near fall. Jericho, up first, punches then whips his man to the far ropes and hits a spear. Jericho uses his "Oh baby!" standing pin and is surprised with the 2- count. Getting in the ref's face near the ropes, Jericho is very angry. Chyna runs along the ring apron and bashes Jericho in the gut. HHH immediately goes for the pin but the ref won't count because of the interference. Livid, HHH is all over the ref when Chris taps him on the shoulder and when he turns around Jericho hits a sweet Hurricanrana. Jericho doesn't go for a pin but instead hits one clothesline and misses a second which gives HHH the chance to hit a chop block to the knee and nail a Pedigree. But he lands hard on his knees and is in too much pain to make a pin. After a moment, Chris gets up, kicks Hunter's knee a few times and slaps on the liontamer. Helmsley taps out but Jericho doesn't break the hold until Chyna nails him with a boot to the head. Jericho gets a bucket of water that he's brought ringside and chooses HHH's new color, Vince McMahon Jet Black. Jericho knocks out HHH with the bucket then, contrary to match stipulation, he shaves the mans head, mostly. Chris removes his boot and pulls out a bottle of that spray hair. He sprays HHH down 'till he looks just right then grabs the mic and says, "See now you look just like your boss! I am the paragon of virtue thank you!"

Benoit v. Shamrock (loser has to get a personality)

aow, hailing from, covers this match:

The match starts and both men are viciously tearing at each other, but Benoit gets the upper hand and starts "ric flair" chopping Sham. At first, Sham goes down (does the job), but eventually forgets he's supposed to act like he's in pain and starts to pull the 80's "hogan epilepsy" and comes alive. He beats on Benoit for a while and then goes for one of three moves he can actually do. Sham goes for a belly to belly, only Benoit drops to his feet after being picked up. He breaks the hold and grabs Sham's arm, floors him and slaps on the crossface. To his credit, Sham hangs on, but after a minute, gives up. [Eric's note: then Benoit beats the living tar out of Shamrock for hours and hours and hours.]

Foley v. Raven (Raven's rules) covers this match:

Mankind comes out to his music with Raven in the ring. The crowd starts the "Socko" chant, followed by a "Raven sucks" chant. The first chant was so loud that Mankind decided to put Mr. Socko on throughout the entire match. Raven starts the match out on the offensive, taking Mankind into the steel railing and raming his head into a chair. Mankind goes crazy and plants Raven with a Foley TM piledriver. He then hits a double arm DDT on the outside of the ring. Kanyon comes out of the crowd and nails Mankind with a crow bar. Foley has been busted open! Kanyon goes back to the entrance way and flips a switch. The cage starts lowering and lands right on Mankind's throat. The ring announcer then states, "this match now has falls count anywhere inside the cage." Raven raises the cage slightly to take Foley's head out from under the cage. He attempts a pin, but it is only a two count. Raven attempts to throw Mankind into the cage, but it is reversed and Raven feels the ill-effects. Right now, Kanyon is climbing the cage. He tries an elbow, but Mankind sticks Socko out and Kanyon gets the Mandible Claw with Socko. After two minutes of the claw. Raven breaks it up. He hits the Evenflow DDT on the outside but does not have the energy to pin him. They both get up at the count of 9 (tell me why referees count even in no DQ matches), and procede to destroy each other. Kanyon is taken out of the cage and the door is padlocked. This match ends when Raven goes for an Evenflow, but it is countered into a jaw uppercut and a Mandible Socko on the outside for the submission victory.

Rock v. DDP

Jason Weidman, hailing from, covers this match:

Rocky comes sliding in to the ring, stands and delivers right after left to DDP's skull. But DDP won't be out done, rights and lefts fly back. DDP gets in a lariat and drops Rocky with a couple of body slams. Rocky quickly recovers and gives a shoulder block to DDP sending him to the middle of the mat, setting him up for the People's Elbow. (Apparently DDP will sell that abortion, since he sells other abortions such as Karl Malone & Jay Leno) After Rocky lays down the elbow. DDP comes back with drop kick to Rock's jaw. DDP lifts Rocky to a sitting position on top of the turnbuckle, for thee. He beats on Benoit for a while and then goes for one of three moves he can actually do. Sham goes for a belly to belly, only Benoit drops to his feet after being picked up. He breaks the hold and grabs Sham's arm, floors him and slaps on the crossface. To his credit, Sham hangs on, but after a minute, gives up. [Eric's note: then Benoit beats the living tar out of Shamrock for hours and hours and hours.]

Undertaker (Kane) v. Sting (Konnan)

Brian Prideaux, from, covers this match:

The lights faded to black and Sting's ominous music filled the arena. A spotlight followed Sting, back in his black and white get-up, as he and Konnan decended into the ring. The lights suddenly came back up as jets of flame shot into the air revealing that Kane and the Undertaker were already there. The match went back and forth with neither man gaining the upper hand. Finally, fed up with the way the match was going, Kane got into the ring and chokeslammed Sting. The brothers of death spike tombstoned Sting, despite Konnan's best efforts. Kane opened the lid to the casket and out popped Lex Luger, who promptly racked Kane. Konnan and a groggy Sting then took turns putting their holds on the Taker. With both brothers down the Wolfpac rolled the pair into the casket and closed the lid for the victory.

Bret Hart v. Vince McMahon

The Pszeniczny Family, hailing from, covers this match:

Vince comes out with the 3 stooges. He enters the ring and for the first time in a while he seems to be "able" to get out of his wheelchair. Vinces ankle is taped like hell and gets the stooges to help him the ring. Vince grabs the mic. He says that he's an old man and unable to wrestle and that he'd appreciate it if Bret would give him a break. Then all of a sudden Bret's music plays. He comes out and Bischoff follows him only because he wants to see Vince get beaten. Bret starts to go to work on McMahon. It wasn't much of a fight for Bret. He punished Vince into an eternail damnnation. At one point in the match Bret piledrove McMahon. McMahon being the geezer he is starts to cry and begs him to stop. Bret will not comply however. He continues to punish Vince. Bret gives Vince a back body drop and pins him but the the stooges come in to make the save. Bret nails the three old men and throws them out of the ring, then drags McMahon to the ring-post. Figure-four around the ring-post! McMahon submits immediately!

Stone Cold v. Goldberg (gimmick)

Amazingly, no one's entry for this match followed all the rules I had to impose: no interference from other people competing in the pay-per-read, and it had to be written in some kind of English. I guess I'll wrap up the show myself.

The first sound we hear is that familiar breaking glass and the crowd goes bananas for the speedy approach of Steve Austin. He does the four-corners thing, he does the bird thing, and he sits down on a chair in the ring, opening a beer as he waits out Goldberg's long entrance. Eventually, Goldberg hits the scene and as soon as he does, Austin throws the beers out of the ring and runs up to Goldberg with his chair. Chair-shot! Another! Three! Goldberg isn't selling this at all! Er, I mean he's a monster! From my vantage point, I can see Austin mouth the words "oh, f@$& it" as he motions to drop the chair, then nails Goldberg with the side of the chair to the gut. Goldberg doesn't have to sell this one - he just doubles over in pain as Austin starts to take the chair to his head! Goldberg is bleeding! Someone get him some medical attention! Oh no, to add insult to injury, Austin is dragging the unconscious body of Goldberg into the ring! Stunner! (Stunners really look better when the victim is conscious and into it.) Austin is on top of Goldberg! The ref is refusing to count! Vince McMahon is out! Four Montreal police officers are with him! Oh my gawd, they look like real cops! Austin could be in some trouble here!

Ladies and gentlemen, we are legally unable to show the remainder of this telecast on pay-per-read! To find out what happens, tune in to your local news station tomorrow! Thanks to all who sent in match reports, have a great week and I'll see you in seven!

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